On failures and Triumphs

Oy. I havn't blogged in a while about anything meaningful cuz I guess for a while there I didn't feel like anything had any meaning. I sat explaining this the other night in an amazing, personal, relatable, hopefully inspiring "blog post" that dissapeared when I went to "post" due to a glitch in my system for signing in and out between my school google apps gmail account and into my personal gmail.com of which the blog is linked to. Anyways, basically, short story, I didn't blog much because I was pretty depressed. Poor Travis had to suffer with me.

You may now be wondering why or how I, Melanie the crazy happy go lucky optimist that I am fell into the bitterness. Simply, I lost hope, I lost optimism. I let discouragement get the best of me. You see, I don't think I've ever failed at something before. Wrong. I've failed at lots of stuff, but it hadn't ever been something BIG and IMPORTANT that I had been super excited about, like say-my first CAREER. You see, me and Orthopedics were not getting along. I kept trying to make it work, and it just wasn't. No matter what I did, tiny eensy weensy accomplishments were made, but nothing that could compensate with my continual failures at work. That wore on me hard. I felt like a failure there, and so tiny mistakes in any other area of life made me feel like a failure in those places too. And you know what had to happen? My manager had to tell me "I'm offering you the position in OBGYN or you may resign."

That may sound like a failure, but it was a releif. Funny huh? Failure in Ortho was a blessing and an answer to a prayer. I thought I had failed at being a medical assistant. Even as I said goodbye to one of my ortho co-workers, she said "maybe this isn't the field for you." I was considering going and finding some job to bide the time till the day that Travis got a job and insurance and I could stay home and make babies. I started wishing my situation was different, everything I had worked so hard for and looked forward to so much, was a burden. That is a dangerous puddle to play in. I couldn't count my blessings because I couldn't see them. I was in that vicious trap of "somedays." You know, the "someday when I'm _____ I can be happy." Or the terrible, "When this happens, I can be happy." The trouble with that is that you find that what you looked forward to so much won't be what you expected and you'll be unhappy till the next dissapointment. You know what though, I'm still a medical assistant, and though its not what I want to be for forever, it does make me happy. And in OBGYN I've learned more and done more in two days than I did in Ortho for two months! Take that! What a greater answer to a prayer than I could have asked for.

A week ago Thursday after one of the meetings with my Ortho manager (before she transferred me to another department) I was crying in a bathroom stall. As I was making up my mind to compose myself and return to work-just to grab my things because the day and my week was over-I knew I couldn't do it without some divine help. So, I said a prayer in desperation that my eyes would clear (they were pretty blood shot and swollen from crying) and my mind would be able to recall the things I needed in order to preform my job well. I kept making mistakes when I returned to work on Monday, but immediately my heart was at peace. I didn't know why cuz I still felt hopeless, but I knew deep inside it would be alright. I was calmer than I had been in a while. Monday I returned to work, my manager and I discussed with my co-workers the goals we had made for continuing my orientation, and I was set in for the long haul. Problems weren't solved, but I felt it would be alright. Tuesday began much the same, and I continued to strive for the goals and meet expectations and-yes, make mistakes. Thats when my manager informed me of the department change. I should have felt more like a failure, but I knew that this was the prayer answered.

While reveiwing all this in my mind, I think of, well, alot of things. And parts of them all come flooding into my mind. When my co-worker said to me "Maybe this isn't the field for you." I thought back to the priesthood blessing which told me not to "burden yourself with a career for the lord has greater things in store for you." Didn't really solve my problem though, its not okay to just sit and wait for "someday" like I clarified before. But, it also made me think long and hard about my gifts, what I can do now. And, what I can be learning from this trial-first, I think of that wonderful primary song we sang for this years program, the one that goes

"My life is a gift, my life has a plan,

my life has a purpose in heav'n it began

My choice was to come to this lovely home on earth,

and seek for Gods light to direct me from Birth

I will follow God's plan for me

holding fast to his word and his love

I will work, and I will pray

I will always walk in his way,

Then I will be happy on earth and

In my home above"

The first part, about my purpose and plan-I know that God has greater things in store for me, but I also know that in the meantime I am to pursue things and prepare myself for the future, to get an education-and to be prepared to be the provider for a family. I was also blessed in that blessing to enjoy my time and life, and to have confidence and make friends at work. Those blessings are now being fulfilled. Does that negate the blessings in store for me? Does that mean I am not fulfilling the measure of my creation? No. I'm growing-so that someday when my future children face failures, and struggles, I can empathize with them, I can help them.

The next thing that came to my mind was the beautiful quote by Wayne Dyer-

"I will grow. I will become something new and grand, but no grander than I now am.

Just as the sky will be different in a few hours,

its present perfection and completeness

is not deficient,

so am I presently perfect and not deficient

because I will be different tomorrow. "

I know that prayers are answered. It may seem funny that all this came down to me struggling in ortho, but I feel like there was a lesson there meant just for me. I think Heavenly Father allows us to go through struggles like that so we can be humbled, so we can learn to rely on him, and receive his help.

Biometrics

Okay. So, Banner health offers incentives. This time, if I want a $10/month discount on Health insurance premium, all I have to do is go to this FREE health screening to know my numbers. Its about prevention right? So, what are my numbers? Not as nice and comfortable as I thought. But, good motivation to bring em back down.

24.5 BMI. You become officially "overweight" at 25 BMI.

My Percent Body Fat 25%, healthy range for a female my age is 21%-33%. I can deal with that number.

The number I can't deal with-was my blood pressure.

First measurment: 160/88

Second Measurment: 153/82

Third Try the charm right? 150/85

What the heck?

I had my nurse recheck me today after some deep thought about the stresses I've been under lately, and her manual reading (yesterday's were all electronic) was 118/60. Much better. But, I'm gonna keep having her get readings. There is absolutely NO reason my blood pressure should be that high. I had a mental breakdown of sorts-the world was ending and all the pressure must've blown the top so that todays pressure was much relieved.

Anyways, I'd like to make sure my blood pressure stays down, and that that BMI doesn't creep up any further, so I have found the motivation to join with my Sister-in-law and all of Travis' family is a regular excersise program. She's doing p90x but I'm just gonna shoot for daily eliptical time for starts. Thats the goal, ask me how I'm doing, I'll need the motivation to return and report. I'll log off now to get to it so I can put some dinner in my belly. Adios!

Things that Matter Most

So, today in seminary-we colored. I didn't have the time or energy to try and put together a lesson, and we had pictures from Sis Hull for coloring that related to the chapters we've been discussing since Thursday, so thats all I had them do. I felt kinda lame, till the kids told me how much they loved it. Made me think about how from time to time, we all need to take it easy. Everything these days is RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN!!!!!

It was nice to just sit, chat, color, relax.

I hope the kids take that as a lesson. Probably won't, but I learned something.

Deiter Uchtdorf, a pilot, once said (in the talk found in full here) "What do you suppose pilots do when they encounter turbulence? A student pilot may think that increasing speed is a good strategy because it will get them through the turbulence faster. But that may be the wrong thing to do. Professional pilots understand that there is an optimum turbulence penetration speed that will minimize the negative effects of turbulence. And most of the time that would mean to reduce your speed. The same principle applies also to speed bumps on a road. Therefore, it is good advice to slow down a little, steady the course, and focus on the essentials when experiencing adverse conditions."

So, everyone, my advise, take a 6:30 am Coloring break with some great teenagers. Good stuff for the soul.

Go go go Joseph!

So, Its substitute time again. This year I'm helping Sue Hull out with early morning seminary by subbing when she goes to play with her grand kids so her children and their spouses can go on vacations for one on one marriage time. And this round with the Seminary class we're finishing up Genesis which involves talking about the story of Joseph, son of Jacob, son of Isaac, son of Abraham. Anyways, I love this story, and today we had a wonderful discussion on Families. God saves families. Family is what it is all about.

As you may recall and as back story, Joseph was favored by his dad. This was a problem because Joseph had 10 older brothers who didn't like Joseph getting special treatment. To make it worse, Joseph had dreams and visions which involved him ruling over them. They got mad, threw him in a pit, sold him to the Egyptians and told his dad that he was devoured by wild beasts. Yikes. Joseph has every right to hate them right now. This is probably up there as one of the worst cases of sibling rivalry ever recorded. Yet, Joseph made the best of a bad situation, became favored in his masters house and yadda yadda until his masters wife made some moves, and got Joseph thrown in prison (unjustly, he fled, she got mad, lied and her husband believed her). Now remember, Joseph still hasn't done anything wrong. Well, next in prison, some people are having dreams, telling Joseph about them, Joseph interprets them, they come true. Pharaoh hears about Joseph, asks for an interpretation of his dream, and Joseph becomes the right hand man to Pharaoh to help prepare the land for a famine and then to manage the storehouses during the famine. And here is where we kick off with families.

Joseph is doing his thing, when one day who comes to get grain but his brothers. Oy. Joseph knows them but they don't recognize him. All sorts of adventure ensues until Joseph finally makes himself known to them. Obviously, they're troubled. And Joseph, good old Joseph, forgives them and says "be not grieved nor angry with yourselves, that ye sold me hither: for God did send me before you to preserve life." HE forgives them, tells them to forgive themselves, and gives glory to God for everything that has happened to him. His life was not easy, he loved his family and grew up without them. He was framed, betrayed, and yet he forgave and recognized Gods hand and found Gods purposes. Now, the greater lesson here, is that God saves families. It may have seemed like the family was torn apart through the trials and guilt and sorrow felt-but in the end, they were preserved and reunited.

Through faith in the Lord during trials, and by cleaving to our covenants, my family too will be preserved and reunited. Its illustrated over and over again. Lehi in the Book of Mormon did not have an easy road, he had rebellious children, but he was faithful and God preserved his family and worked salvation through his lineage. Joseph though sold by his brothers into Egypt was able to preserve his family, of who the covenants of Abraham are carried forth to the whole world. Abraham acted in faith and was blessed to receive the desires of his heart, through his faith and obedience and by the covenants he made, we all becomes heirs of eternal life. It was through the lines of these great patriarchs that our Savior was descended. And through the sacrifice of his life we can all overcome the injustices that befall us.

Families are eternal, they are not meant to end with the completion of mortality. The gospel of Jesus Christ teaches us how we can have joy in this life and in the next. It is restored to the earth by living prophets who commune with God and guide us back to Heavenly Father. The authority to seal families is on the earth in full in the houses of God-the Holy Temples. I pray for faith like Joseph as the trials of life come, and with happiness in my heart I thank God for the blessings of the Gospel and for my Temple marriage.