My buddy boy

Mr Liam is 4 years old tomorrow, his Birthday party is tonight.  He has been such a fun little guy to have around.  The summer my oldest Sister Amanda (Hi Amanda!) Got married, we thought Mom was just tired because she was getting old, and losing sleep over wedding plans.  The week all of us older girls were leaving for school (Jordan and Amanda driving to Utah, Robin to Utah, me to Idaho) Rulon and my mom announced that Mom was officially finnished with her first trimester, and that a baby would be born in February.  Say WHAT!?  And we were all leaving.  I think my pregnant mom, and my boyfriend in Japan is all that my roommates heard about from me that year.

I remember the day we found out he was a he.  I was in the car on I-15 with some of my friends, driving down to Utah, so excited to find out I was going to have a baby BROTHER!  Then there was the day he was born, anxiously waiting the phone call that said he was here, jealousy that Robin was there, tenderness at the pictures sent, he looked like Rulon from the start.  I got the news when leaving my Nurtirition class.

Then, the 6 week wait to meet him-and finally, I was home, and baby boy was sleeping.  I called him bubby.  He was so small, and soft.  Loved being held by his mommy.

He still loves to cuddle, has a bit of a tender spirit.  He is easily hurt, but easily forgives.  Always tells us how much he loves us, randomly in the middle of the day.  And, he gives the biggest wettest kisses I've ever seen from a little person, and the tightest squeezes for hugs.  I love my buddy boy!

This year leading up to his Birthday, he insisted it was on February 4th, when I told him his birthday was the 20th, he would get really upset.  I hate to say I laughed, and sometimes asked him and told him just to see his reaction.  He calls Ravens, "rasins" and can entertain himself for hours on end with the simplest toys (Markers have become people battling eachother)   HE's got an endless array of sound effects, and a big heart for friends.   At gymnastics he loves to get his stamps on the bottom of his feet, and always is quick to make his teacher laugh.  He's developing quite the sense of humor, and is a great comedian.  

Love my buddy boy, my baby Brother!

More thoughts on being barren.

Today was a bit rough.

Last week I went to the Dr to talk about why I'm not getting pregnant.   That was the start of it.

Then today at church the high council speaker spoke of women and their divine nurturing attributes and their role as creators.  And I forget exactly what he said, but I remember feeling broken and excluded.  His message wasn't dwelling on that, and what he said wasn't meant to be insensitive, nor was it, but my own feelings of sadness, pain, confusion, and fear interpreted it that way.  It caught me by surprise--I had heard of women who suffering from infertility dislike when people speak that way, but I never thought I would feel those feelings or think those thoughts, because "I have so much faith, so much hope."  Every woman who thinks those thoughts, feels those feelings holds onto so much hope.  Its not lack of faith that they are suffering from.  It is infertility.    So people who tell us "just have faith" "it will happen"  "I'm sure it will be okay" thank you for your kind words, but, trust me, I know it will be okay.  I have to have faith assuming that it will be okay, even if my cards are different that Heavenly Fathers.  I have to be okay not with just my hope and my faith, or be okay with waiting, but I have to be okay with my situation now, as it is.  And that is what is hard.

The other thing that was hard today, was everyone assuming that I'm pregnant because I keep losing things.  Just because I'm a married, childless female of child bearing age, does not mean that my bad month is to blame of pregnancy.  I'm a person as I am now, with or without my reproductive capabilities.  I should be allowed a forgetful month of misplacing and loosing everything.  Why do I have to be "pregnant" for it to make sense that I can't keep track of anything.  Thats a blow to pregnant ladies also.  

One other challenge, I faced today, is the ever present expressions on Facebook  blogger, instagram, ect, of joy in mother hood.  When I see "I love being a mommy" or "Being a mommy is the greatest blessing and joy," my heart yearns for that experience.  With the turn in feelings, the up and down days, I apologize in advance if I ever seem pained at your expressions of joy in motherhood.  I just ask that you please forgive me.  I'm not upset with you, I'm upset with myself, and I will have to work that out.  Just love me.  Keep sharing the pictures, I love them, I love your children, and I love that you get to enjoy that experience.  Some days, I'm just going to wish you would keep it to yourself, for that, forgive me.