Shoveling snow

        Travis and I are getting a chord of wood delivered tomorrow, and so, in preparation today we went out to shovel on the right side of the house.  This is where a second driveway is hiding under three feet or more of snow, mostly untouched the whole winter.  This driveway goes all the way from the road to the back of our lot where we have a BIG HUGE RV sized covered vehicle port.  That's where we want to store the wood.

        While out there shoveling by the light of overcast cloudy skies, and with fresh snowing falling, Travis and I put in some genuine labor, side by side, and I couldn't have been more content.  The temperatures are about 11 degrees above zero, and we both ended up taking off our gloves and our hats because of sweating.  Due to the recent cold snaps the snow was a very loose powder once you got under the clumps that had been rained on in the really warm spell (30-40 degrees) we had earlier this week, so warm that on Tuesday they even cancelled school for treacherous roads.  

        While shoveling such a huge amount of snow, you get really efficient pretty fast, and when we both paused to catch our breath from throwing, I asked him if he thought I was a real Alaskan girl yet.  Puzzlement in his voice, the conversation went as follows:

Trav: "Do you need validation or something?" 

Me:  "No, I just want you to be impressed."

Trav: "I'm always impressed with you"  (okay, everyone, big awwwwe) 

Me:  "Okay, then it is the validation I want.  

Both:  Laughing

The thought sparked further thoughts as we returned to our work, lately I'm been considering putting out some applications and resumes and going back to a more formal/lucrative work situation.  I realized that there, I really want a place that will give me my own sense of validation.  I don't want to work for just who ever will hire me.  I want to work in a place where I'm appreciated and able to please.  Travis and I have also been toying with the idea of a dog when I'm through with allergy shots, and it always stands out to me when they say the breed is eager to please-I think deep down we all are.  We want to impress the people around us because it validates our own personal sense of value.  I really love watching the kids most days because I know I'm helping and making a difference (even if the kids don't acknowledge it, their parents do).  One of the moms will tell me that her daughter thanks Heavenly Father for being able to come to my house and have fun at my house-often after I've felt like a failure that day, or week.  Its very reassuring and validating that the work I am doing is important and meaningful.   

Anyways, just some of my thoughts.  I don't know what I'll do, I'm not really looking for advice.  I'm gonna turn in resumes just to see what happens, and make a decision later.  

On a side note, about that dog idea. when I'm through with allergy shots, and no longer allergic, we want a Great Dane, and I want him chocolate colored, and I want to name him Hagrid.  Now that that dream is written, and public, don't steal it.

Anyways, that's the latest Payton gossip. Hope you have a good night, or day, whenever and wherever your reading this.  Adieu. 

Come what may and Love it-Infertility.

Sometimes I start to feel sorry for myself.  Then I have chats with good friends that put it all in perspective.

****disclaimer, there is some very very personal stuff in here, I'm not asking for you to interpret, or console, I've got that covered. "For I Know that God loveth his children, nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things"****

Now, let me clarify, though I have much to be thankful for, I am human and thus prone to pity parties.
I think it is one of the most universal attacks of the adversary is to get us to feel sorry for ourselves and our misfortunes while disregarding our good fortunes.  If he can get us to think that the things we lack are of greater important than the gifts and blessings bestowed-we will be miserable "like unto himself."  And we know that he desireth that all men would be miserable like unto himself.

Let me tell you where my thought process came from, and what direction it took and hopefully  the personal inspiration I was feeling may be of some benefit to someone somewhere reading this.

From as long as my existence  I have dreamt of being a mommy.

What brings me great joy and pleasure, is nurturing young children, and, many people have commented on how I seem to have a way with kids.

Fast forward-I'm 14, I get my patriarchal blessing-promises of bearing children are proclaimed, as well as many others, but, most precious to me is the promise of my intended eternal companion and the blessing of creating bodies for children who are "waiting" to enter my house.

Fast forward-I'm 18 and I just met the man of my dreams
Fast forward-I'm 21 and I'm marrying that man
Fast forward, I'm 22 and part of a club I never dreamt I would be in.

Infertile.

That ugly ugly word.  Big wierd I followed by an N and a funny looking letter f followed my that ugly -er sound and ending that rhymes with bile. Insurance won't even cover the testing to tell me whats wrong.

That blessing I was promised seems impossible, questions of doubt fill my brain.  Did I do something wrong?  "WHY?" that terrible terrible question tries to squeeze its ugly head in, and I fight to keep it out.  What happened to these spirits that are "waiting" to enter my house?

I would say it been only 16 months of roller coasters, that vicious cycle of hormones getting my hopes up only to be destroyed and crushed with the arrival of my monthly unwelcomed visitor, but, my cycles are short.  Theres been sometimes 2 visits a month.  I've never missed a month, so there are no tale tell symptoms or red flags.  So many questions and doubts.

That blessing I got serves me alot of hope, but, in those moments when I get feeling sorry for myself, I wonder if this is what it meant when it spoke of being like the prophetesses recorded in the holy scriptures.  Cuz, I've noticed a pattern.  The majority of women mentioned in the scriptures, are infertile.  Bitterness and tears start to burn my eyes when I think of that, but then---I think of how each of them, in the Lords appointed time, did conceive, and bear children.

Hope is then restored.

I'm only at the beginning of this journey-and I know so many women who struggle with these questions, frustrations, emotions for many many years.  Some, don't have any promises to offer hope.  And yet, I'm in their club.  Their love and friendship means so much to me-they've been walking the road much longer than I ever hope I will.  But for now, our fears are the same.  And they understand and care.  Much like our loving father understands and cares.

And thats when I feel a little bit better.  And I say to that adversary in my heart, get thee hence.  For with God, all things are possible, and when those promises are fufilled (for I know that he fufills his promises) I will declare it from the roof tops how great is his love, and how powerful is his will.  For the virgin Mary conceived not even having known any man, Sarah the wife of Abraham conceived in her 90's, Hannah mother of Samuel the boy prophet conceived after much prayer and heartache, as did Elizabeth our Saviours aunt, mother to John the baptist.  After 47 years Rebecca, wife of Isaac, conceived.  And God was in control of the wombs of Leah and Rachel, and he certainly is in control of mine.