On failures and Triumphs

Oy. I havn't blogged in a while about anything meaningful cuz I guess for a while there I didn't feel like anything had any meaning. I sat explaining this the other night in an amazing, personal, relatable, hopefully inspiring "blog post" that dissapeared when I went to "post" due to a glitch in my system for signing in and out between my school google apps gmail account and into my personal gmail.com of which the blog is linked to. Anyways, basically, short story, I didn't blog much because I was pretty depressed. Poor Travis had to suffer with me.

You may now be wondering why or how I, Melanie the crazy happy go lucky optimist that I am fell into the bitterness. Simply, I lost hope, I lost optimism. I let discouragement get the best of me. You see, I don't think I've ever failed at something before. Wrong. I've failed at lots of stuff, but it hadn't ever been something BIG and IMPORTANT that I had been super excited about, like say-my first CAREER. You see, me and Orthopedics were not getting along. I kept trying to make it work, and it just wasn't. No matter what I did, tiny eensy weensy accomplishments were made, but nothing that could compensate with my continual failures at work. That wore on me hard. I felt like a failure there, and so tiny mistakes in any other area of life made me feel like a failure in those places too. And you know what had to happen? My manager had to tell me "I'm offering you the position in OBGYN or you may resign."

That may sound like a failure, but it was a releif. Funny huh? Failure in Ortho was a blessing and an answer to a prayer. I thought I had failed at being a medical assistant. Even as I said goodbye to one of my ortho co-workers, she said "maybe this isn't the field for you." I was considering going and finding some job to bide the time till the day that Travis got a job and insurance and I could stay home and make babies. I started wishing my situation was different, everything I had worked so hard for and looked forward to so much, was a burden. That is a dangerous puddle to play in. I couldn't count my blessings because I couldn't see them. I was in that vicious trap of "somedays." You know, the "someday when I'm _____ I can be happy." Or the terrible, "When this happens, I can be happy." The trouble with that is that you find that what you looked forward to so much won't be what you expected and you'll be unhappy till the next dissapointment. You know what though, I'm still a medical assistant, and though its not what I want to be for forever, it does make me happy. And in OBGYN I've learned more and done more in two days than I did in Ortho for two months! Take that! What a greater answer to a prayer than I could have asked for.

A week ago Thursday after one of the meetings with my Ortho manager (before she transferred me to another department) I was crying in a bathroom stall. As I was making up my mind to compose myself and return to work-just to grab my things because the day and my week was over-I knew I couldn't do it without some divine help. So, I said a prayer in desperation that my eyes would clear (they were pretty blood shot and swollen from crying) and my mind would be able to recall the things I needed in order to preform my job well. I kept making mistakes when I returned to work on Monday, but immediately my heart was at peace. I didn't know why cuz I still felt hopeless, but I knew deep inside it would be alright. I was calmer than I had been in a while. Monday I returned to work, my manager and I discussed with my co-workers the goals we had made for continuing my orientation, and I was set in for the long haul. Problems weren't solved, but I felt it would be alright. Tuesday began much the same, and I continued to strive for the goals and meet expectations and-yes, make mistakes. Thats when my manager informed me of the department change. I should have felt more like a failure, but I knew that this was the prayer answered.

While reveiwing all this in my mind, I think of, well, alot of things. And parts of them all come flooding into my mind. When my co-worker said to me "Maybe this isn't the field for you." I thought back to the priesthood blessing which told me not to "burden yourself with a career for the lord has greater things in store for you." Didn't really solve my problem though, its not okay to just sit and wait for "someday" like I clarified before. But, it also made me think long and hard about my gifts, what I can do now. And, what I can be learning from this trial-first, I think of that wonderful primary song we sang for this years program, the one that goes

"My life is a gift, my life has a plan,

my life has a purpose in heav'n it began

My choice was to come to this lovely home on earth,

and seek for Gods light to direct me from Birth

I will follow God's plan for me

holding fast to his word and his love

I will work, and I will pray

I will always walk in his way,

Then I will be happy on earth and

In my home above"

The first part, about my purpose and plan-I know that God has greater things in store for me, but I also know that in the meantime I am to pursue things and prepare myself for the future, to get an education-and to be prepared to be the provider for a family. I was also blessed in that blessing to enjoy my time and life, and to have confidence and make friends at work. Those blessings are now being fulfilled. Does that negate the blessings in store for me? Does that mean I am not fulfilling the measure of my creation? No. I'm growing-so that someday when my future children face failures, and struggles, I can empathize with them, I can help them.

The next thing that came to my mind was the beautiful quote by Wayne Dyer-

"I will grow. I will become something new and grand, but no grander than I now am.

Just as the sky will be different in a few hours,

its present perfection and completeness

is not deficient,

so am I presently perfect and not deficient

because I will be different tomorrow. "

I know that prayers are answered. It may seem funny that all this came down to me struggling in ortho, but I feel like there was a lesson there meant just for me. I think Heavenly Father allows us to go through struggles like that so we can be humbled, so we can learn to rely on him, and receive his help.

Happiness in Trials

"I'm not happy and I havn't been for a long time"

"I know how to repent, but this time, I didn't do anything wrong."

My friend said this to me the other day-she has got an unimaginably painful trial going on right now.

I've been in that dark place before.

And then I found my way out.

A priesthood blessing started the change for me. In it, Heavenly Father told me that "these trials come for one of two reasons. Either by transgression, or as an oppourtunity for growth."

With that insight, and knowing that I had not transgressed, a bit of the burden lifted. And I looked heavenward. What was I to learn from this? I looked in the scriptures. I searched the words of the prophets (we had a topical quote book-full of remarks from the prophets and apostles). I started filling my world with their comforting words. The burdens and sorrow I felt were not gone, but they were bearable. My own cross to bear.

Eventually, I had the epiphany that turned it all around.

Marla Lowder was speaking in church-and she read Alma 5: 26-27. After which, she asked a question. This question perplexed me more than the scripture so much, but what she asked was;

"Are we Humble enough to forgive our tresspassers?"

I thought about it alot in the following days and week. I prayed about it. And finally, after considering it for some time, I realized this:

Not forgiving the injustices which faced me would be like telling my savior that his atonement wasn't good enough.

Consider this, Christ paid the price already.

In the garden, he suffered the hurt I was feeling.

He knew what it was to be blameless and yet he took the blame.

He knew what it was like to suffer even though he didn't do anything wrong.

For me to continue in my grief and feelings of sorrow was too say to the Savior,

"You don't know what I'm going through.

Your sacrifice doesn't make up for what I've been through."

How prideful was I?

Though it took some time to completely let go of the hurt and anger and greif I was feeling,

My life was instantly lighter.

My trials were still there, but I knew I was not alone.

I could let go of the lonliness I felt.

I didn't have to be the martyr.

I have very poignant feelings and understanding now of the scripture found in Matthew 11: 28-30: where the savior says:

"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

Take my yolk upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly of heart:

and ye shall find rest unto your souls.

For my Yolk is easy, and my burden is light."

His yolk really is easy. His burden really is light. All it took was for me to understand my place and the role of the savior in my life. Even though I had done nothing wrong, I had a change of heart. A new resolve and understanding of life. Trials come and trials go. As Sue Hull always says,

"Life is hard and then you die."

What will I do with my time here on earth becomes the daily battle. If "Men are that they might have joy" don't you think God would want me to make the most of the trials that come my way? How do I do that? "Come what may and Love it" is a start.

I also try to follow the counsel of Gordon B Hinckley when he said,

"Cultivate an attitude of Happiness.

Cultivate a spirit of optimism.

Walk with faith,

rejoicing in the beauty of nature,

in the goodness of those you love,

in the testimony which you carry in your heart concerning things divine."

Sure does help.

Enriching Marriage

So, on Sunday, Travis had a talk.  And Sunday's theme in both Sacrament and Sunday school was "Enriching Marriage."  Let me tell you, listening to your husband talk about how to improve your marriage is a wonderful thing.  He talked about the good, the great, and the best things we do/can be doing.  His talk was assigned from this Elder Holland talk, but Travis and I both really enjoyed this talk he found while preparing his talk.  It was said by Stefani, that these words of guidance can apply to all relationships, and that's true.  So, if your interested, you can go read those.  But, what was on my mind while Travis was on the stand is what I want to share.

You see, right after Travis and I moved into second ward, they asked us to speak, and we were the ONLY speakers that day, so, there was time left over.  Hoping not to repeat that experience, I was thinking of what I could say if Travis ran out of time and asked me to come speak, and I guess it wasn't anything anyone but me needed to know right then, because I was not invited to speak....but, my thoughts went to the evening before our wedding, and the story of Elijah the prophet.

You see, Elijah was an amazing guy, probably one of my favorites.  He was SO obedient, God gave him greater authority than any man to walk the earth (except of course Christ).  By the authority of the Priesthood of Elijah, what is bound on earth is bound in Heaven, it is the whole basis for our ability to be sealed together in the temple.  Anyways, the story I went to specifically was of the widow woman.  After God sent Elijah to the wilderness for a time, he told Elijah to go to Zarapeth, in Zarapeth, God promised Elijah that a widow woman would sustain, or provide for him, that he should not starve.  Obediently, Elijah goes.  He finds the widow woman gathering sticks, and calls to her, famished, and asks that she get him some water.  As she goes to get him water, he also asks her for some bread.  And here the scriptures read,

  "And she said, As the Lord thy God Liveth,

 I have not a cake, but an handful of meal in a barrel, 

and a little oil in a cruse: and, behold, 

I am gathering two sticks that I may go in and dress it for me and my son,

 that we may eat it, and die." 

Here, Elijah replies,

 "Fear Not; go and do 

as thou hast said: but make me thereof a little cake first, 

and bring it unto me, and after make for thee and thy son.  

For thus saith the Lord God of Israel, 

the barrel of meal shall not waste, neither shall the cruse of oil fail, 

until the day that the Lord sendeth rain upon the earth. 

  "And she went and did according to the saying of Elijah, 

and she and he and her house did eat many days.

  "And the Barrel of Meal wasted not,

neither did the cruse of oil fail, 

according to the word of the Lord

which he spake by Elijah."

Now the next story in sequence of the book, is how her Son gets sick and dies. The woman, turns to Elijah, who becomes like a Christ figure, and takes her son, prays and asks God for her sons life to return. Mercifully, God answers Elijah's prayer. The Child revives, and Elijah brings him back to his mother, to which the woman says,

  

"By this I know that thou art a man of God, and that the word of the Lord in thy mouth is truth." 

Now, what I have written in my footnotes of my bible here is about how the woman went to Elijah, trusted him, and her family was saved.  Physically and spiritually.  If she had not had the faith to go to Elijah what would have happened to her?  Now, likewise, the allusion I was getting to, from the night before my wedding-

Travis was sick.  He had pink eye and a sinus infection.  I was breaking out, we were both nervous wrecks.  Thousands of miles from home, about to make the biggest covenants of our lives.  For in the Temple, we would covenants to be together for eternity, beyond this world. beyond our mortal lives, we have chosen to be together, and promised God to take care of each other and to stay together.  It was a big scary exciting joyful deal.  But, Travis asked his dad and my Brother in Law to give him a blessing.  It was a simple get well kind of blessing, but I had been hoping for words of comfort and assurance that we were making the right decision.  Well, he didn't get that, so I asked for a blessing.  And oh my goodness.  I was instructed to draw closer to the Lord to draw closer to Travis, and promised beautiful blessings, words of peace and comfort were uttered.  And I knew that this is for real, that we are in it for the long haul, and that Heavenly Father has promised to be with us every step of the way as we invite his presence in.  Its a beautiful wonderful joy to know that my husband and I have the same life line.  So far, everything has been what you call marital bliss (besides the silly arguments that get blown out of proportion, but we quickly forgive and make makeup).  Everything has been working together beautifully, our car works, our apartment is financially government assisted, we have received unexpected school grants, and I feel bad talking about it, because I know how unusual it is.  Sometimes, I fear that greater trials still lay ahead in our path, in fact, I know they do.  That's life.  But, right now, I am at peace, for  as the Prophet Joseph Smith spoke, "I know in whom I trust; I stand upon the rock; the floods cannot, no the shall not overthrow me."  And my husband stands on that rock with me.  And that means everything.  

One last thought on the whole subject, are words from Howard W Hunter.  He said,

 "Whatever Jesus lays his Hands upon lives.  If Jesus Lays his hands upon a marriage, it lives.  If he is allowed to lay his hands on a family, It lives!"

Mine lives, and Life is Great!

Grant

That is what we will name our first baby boy (No I'm not pregnant)!  The name Grant would be in rememberance and gratitude for the tender mercies of a loving Heavenly Father.

Backstory:

Travis and I had very little money coming in during the last couple of months.
Travis and I had some big expenses that added up to more than the amount of money we had incoming
Travis and I had some savings we had to dip into
Travis and I didn't have much left in savings
Travis and I were concerned about making ends meet

So, we paid our tithing faithfully, trusting that it will be all be okay.  Somehow we are managing, quite comfortably actually, so we were sure to express graditute in our prayers and tried to refrain from asking much.
And yesterday, Travis got a 2,000 deposit from UAF into his bank account.  Say what???  Yup.  We're very grateful.  It really makes no sense where the grant came from, the Financial Aid office told us that there wouldn't be a summer grant for us (we missed the deadline or they don't have them or something) yet, here it is.  We still feel poor as for dollars, but very rich in blessings!