On failures and Triumphs

Oy. I havn't blogged in a while about anything meaningful cuz I guess for a while there I didn't feel like anything had any meaning. I sat explaining this the other night in an amazing, personal, relatable, hopefully inspiring "blog post" that dissapeared when I went to "post" due to a glitch in my system for signing in and out between my school google apps gmail account and into my personal gmail.com of which the blog is linked to. Anyways, basically, short story, I didn't blog much because I was pretty depressed. Poor Travis had to suffer with me.

You may now be wondering why or how I, Melanie the crazy happy go lucky optimist that I am fell into the bitterness. Simply, I lost hope, I lost optimism. I let discouragement get the best of me. You see, I don't think I've ever failed at something before. Wrong. I've failed at lots of stuff, but it hadn't ever been something BIG and IMPORTANT that I had been super excited about, like say-my first CAREER. You see, me and Orthopedics were not getting along. I kept trying to make it work, and it just wasn't. No matter what I did, tiny eensy weensy accomplishments were made, but nothing that could compensate with my continual failures at work. That wore on me hard. I felt like a failure there, and so tiny mistakes in any other area of life made me feel like a failure in those places too. And you know what had to happen? My manager had to tell me "I'm offering you the position in OBGYN or you may resign."

That may sound like a failure, but it was a releif. Funny huh? Failure in Ortho was a blessing and an answer to a prayer. I thought I had failed at being a medical assistant. Even as I said goodbye to one of my ortho co-workers, she said "maybe this isn't the field for you." I was considering going and finding some job to bide the time till the day that Travis got a job and insurance and I could stay home and make babies. I started wishing my situation was different, everything I had worked so hard for and looked forward to so much, was a burden. That is a dangerous puddle to play in. I couldn't count my blessings because I couldn't see them. I was in that vicious trap of "somedays." You know, the "someday when I'm _____ I can be happy." Or the terrible, "When this happens, I can be happy." The trouble with that is that you find that what you looked forward to so much won't be what you expected and you'll be unhappy till the next dissapointment. You know what though, I'm still a medical assistant, and though its not what I want to be for forever, it does make me happy. And in OBGYN I've learned more and done more in two days than I did in Ortho for two months! Take that! What a greater answer to a prayer than I could have asked for.

A week ago Thursday after one of the meetings with my Ortho manager (before she transferred me to another department) I was crying in a bathroom stall. As I was making up my mind to compose myself and return to work-just to grab my things because the day and my week was over-I knew I couldn't do it without some divine help. So, I said a prayer in desperation that my eyes would clear (they were pretty blood shot and swollen from crying) and my mind would be able to recall the things I needed in order to preform my job well. I kept making mistakes when I returned to work on Monday, but immediately my heart was at peace. I didn't know why cuz I still felt hopeless, but I knew deep inside it would be alright. I was calmer than I had been in a while. Monday I returned to work, my manager and I discussed with my co-workers the goals we had made for continuing my orientation, and I was set in for the long haul. Problems weren't solved, but I felt it would be alright. Tuesday began much the same, and I continued to strive for the goals and meet expectations and-yes, make mistakes. Thats when my manager informed me of the department change. I should have felt more like a failure, but I knew that this was the prayer answered.

While reveiwing all this in my mind, I think of, well, alot of things. And parts of them all come flooding into my mind. When my co-worker said to me "Maybe this isn't the field for you." I thought back to the priesthood blessing which told me not to "burden yourself with a career for the lord has greater things in store for you." Didn't really solve my problem though, its not okay to just sit and wait for "someday" like I clarified before. But, it also made me think long and hard about my gifts, what I can do now. And, what I can be learning from this trial-first, I think of that wonderful primary song we sang for this years program, the one that goes

"My life is a gift, my life has a plan,

my life has a purpose in heav'n it began

My choice was to come to this lovely home on earth,

and seek for Gods light to direct me from Birth

I will follow God's plan for me

holding fast to his word and his love

I will work, and I will pray

I will always walk in his way,

Then I will be happy on earth and

In my home above"

The first part, about my purpose and plan-I know that God has greater things in store for me, but I also know that in the meantime I am to pursue things and prepare myself for the future, to get an education-and to be prepared to be the provider for a family. I was also blessed in that blessing to enjoy my time and life, and to have confidence and make friends at work. Those blessings are now being fulfilled. Does that negate the blessings in store for me? Does that mean I am not fulfilling the measure of my creation? No. I'm growing-so that someday when my future children face failures, and struggles, I can empathize with them, I can help them.

The next thing that came to my mind was the beautiful quote by Wayne Dyer-

"I will grow. I will become something new and grand, but no grander than I now am.

Just as the sky will be different in a few hours,

its present perfection and completeness

is not deficient,

so am I presently perfect and not deficient

because I will be different tomorrow. "

I know that prayers are answered. It may seem funny that all this came down to me struggling in ortho, but I feel like there was a lesson there meant just for me. I think Heavenly Father allows us to go through struggles like that so we can be humbled, so we can learn to rely on him, and receive his help.

The Fall Agenda.

Some have called me crazy. I even wonder about it at times, and this fall is one of those times.

Here's my commitments:

1st and 3rd Tuesdays, Activity Days

Monday-Thursday, Work @TVC Orthopedics! (YAY!)

Tuesday Thursday, Human Diseases Class

Thursday Nights, Phlebotomy

Monday and Wednesday Nights, Teach Dance at Ballroom Dance Club of Fairbanks

Some time in all the middle of this: Online Computer Class for Healthcare Systems

And to top it all off (I'm actually pretty excited about this),

I'm helping Sue Hull teach Seminary.

She needs a sub at least one week of every month.

Cool Huh?

I'm perfectly confident that I can keep up with all this. Where I'm concerned is that Trav and I have one car. Hopefully, all his classes will be clustered together and it will be easy to coordinate our transportation agendas. I know I'll definately need his helping keeping up with household duties, like-dishes (They NEVER END) and laundry, and cooking meals.....

Those are the basics. If we can manage all that, and make it through till Trav graduates-(as I just realized that this scheduale will pretty much carry through the whole year-minus my extra classes), but if we can handle it, I've decided we're super.

I wanna be in Pediatrics for forever!

Alrighty, here's the low down.

I started doing those allergy shots a year ago. Allergy shots are taken care of by Dr. Foote at the Tanana Valley Clinic. He's a pediatric Dr but for allergy patients he doesn't have an age limit (YES! I wish I could still get stickers sometimes.) So, a year ago, I was going to the Dr every week to get my personal poison (Dogs cats trees and grass) in the hope of building a resistance and immunity. When Fall hit, and I started showing up for appointments in my scrubs, the nurses were excited (we're all friends on a first name basis when your that regular of a patient). I told them about school, and the medical assisting program, they were excited with me in December when Travis and I got engaged, they got invites to my reception up here. And, now that I'm done with my classes, and I'm into my externship-I got to work with them all for 3 days (with an externship at TVC I hit every department for a few days at a time). It was my first department for the clinical side of things, and I was nervous that maybe they had higher expectations for me than I was capable-but it was awesome. They were all very patient, very helpful. Working with the kids too was so much fun. I gave several immunizations, and after each one I would ask the kiddo for a hug, as I was just as traumatized as they were. The hugs really did make it better. In the allergy clinic I really felt like I could relate to patients as I am also an allergy asthma patient. As far as the nurses in peds, and Dr's go, I just loved everybody. Its a fun group of people, a patient and helpful group of people, and I feel like if I worked there I would have my dream job. It wasn't all a cake walk that's for sure, though we did eat cake and had a potluck at lunch one day for a baby shower for one of the receptionists. I came home exhausted after each day but I really felt there like I did my best, and that I made a difference.

I felt pretty good after I told Jean, the department head, that "Pediatrics is my dream department" and she replied with "it takes a special person to say that." Made me feel warm and fuzzy like something is meant to be. I'm watching their job postings like a hawk, because there are 2 new providers coming this fall, and that means positions for *cross your fingers* me!

All in all my externship is coming right along. I've finished my 80 hrs of back office, and I'm 24 hrs into my 100 back office hours. Tomorrow I'll be with PA Connover with Gina (CMA grad) as my preceptor. I'll work with them through Wednesday in Family Practice, then I head up to Obstetrics. After two days there, I'll finish at first care. Its all very exciting. Once these hrs are done, I'm eligible for work, and my certification exam is in Anchorage in October. By Christmas, I'll be ready to certify as a Phlebotomist, and graduate with my associates. Its an exciting time!

Summatime!

Well, today is the last day of classes.  I'm done with Pharmacology and I just have an in-class-essay for my English Final at 2:00.  Travis' sisters and their families are all here.  Traci and Keith and their 6 kids got here a week ago, Teri and Asia drove in around 1am on Tuesday night/Wednesday Morning, and Last night close to Midnight, Trinity and Sebastion (aka Seb) landed.  Tonight, we're headed out to Northpole to visit a little bit-even though we'll see everyone bright and early tomorrow, but as tonight is our first homework free night, we're gonna go wild.

Tomorrow though is exciting, pray for us that the rain will break cuz we are riding the Train to Denali, and camping!  Then, Saturday we're doing the Denali Park tour where you ride the bus into the park for several hours, and see lots of wildlife!  (We hope their out!)  I havn't done that tour since I was really little, so I'm excited.  And, on the Train my dear Friend Laura will be onboard-she's been a train tour guide for several years now, so it'll be fun to see her.  I'll be sure to take lotsa pictures and share on here, so to convince everyone they need to come see me and Alaska.

After Denali Trip, Sunday I'm subbing in primary again, our regular primary music leader is a registered nurse and works at the hospital.  She has been schedualed to work on Sundays for the next couple of weeks, I'm happy for the oppoutunity to serve in that calling from time to time (as I don't have any other sunday callings, I've available!)  And then in the afternoon we'll go to church with the rest of Trav's family in N. Pole, and that evening enjoy dinner with everyone and a family home evening family talent show (I'm gonna teach some dance steps-that way I'm really "Sharing" my talent).

Monday we're planning on a bbq and canoe ride (again, pray for some sunshine), and then Tuesday we're going to Eldorado Gold Mine (I'm gonna get rich, and eat lots of their yummy yummy cookies).  Tuesday night I have activity days, where we'll learn about gratitude and write letters to someone and plan the next activity which will be a picnic.  :)  Fun stuff!

3 month Anniversary

That's right.  We've been married for 3 months as of today, Sunday, June 12th.  Its funny, every week when we go to Travis' parents house for dinner/to do Laundry, his dad asks me if I'm ready for an annulment yet.  He cracks me up (actually, I choose to be cracked up because I have no idea how else I'm supposed to respond to such an absurd question....anyways...)

I'm still working on stinking thank you cards.  Between school assignments and Laundry and cooking and chores, and taxiing Travis and I to and from school and work and home, they are coming along slowly.  But, they are coming, and so Thank You to all who have helped us out, and patiently awaited our formal Thank yous-I promise, they are coming.

I'm still trying to get into the swing of this cooking food or go hungry deal.  I don't know what I used to do, but the inexpensive way of eating is to buy parts of meals and then prepare them.  I don't really know how to put together a balanced meal regularly and have some variety in there.....but on the occasion that we do have a bit of every food group on the plate, we find the food goes further (we feel fuller while eating less-imagine that!).  So far, we've eaten alot of eggs in various ways (favorite is the eggs quesedillas I ate at Sids a bunch last summer) and we enjoy our very inexpensive Malt-O-Meal.  I had never really had it, but Travis showed me how he liked it prepared and now he says I'm better at making it than him (probably cuz I'm not shy with the brown sugar).  We also fell in love with Hamburger Helpers friend Chicken Helper, specifically the lemon chicken box.  When I have more time I fully intend to learn to make that without the box.

We've also attended 4 weddings since ours (Nicole+Alex Hansen, Jacob+Jung Ames, Kendra+Stephen Tibbs, and Shannon+Amber Telling), and let it be known we also tied the knot before the royal wedding (that makes 5 weddings since ours).

We've made a nice little home out of our nice little apartment.  Hosted a few guests (we wish we had more opportunity for this) and enjoyed watching the leaves come out and the beautiful Tanana valley go from white to brown to green.

Travis has a calling as an Elders Quorum Teacher-which he was humbled to receive.  Here he is Mr Newlywed asked to teach these men who have been married much longer, and who have raised children, held long laborious careers.  Travis is just the little guy.  Its going to be a good experience though.  He taught his first lesson today and people came up to him afterwards to tell him they enjoyed the lessons and that "it was the first time I was able to stay awake."  I've been called as a Primary Worker.  LOVE IT.  I always thought the primary was scary (still do really) because if your not prepared it can be pretty rough, but these kids are so sweet.  I've substituted the 3/4 year old classes, and lead singing time as a substitute once, doing that again next Sunday.  Its been fun.  What I'm most excited though about "Primary Worker" is my specific assignment to help with the Activity Day Girls.  Right now our numbers are pretty low because of summer vacations, but the girls I have met already are awesome and sweet.  They're excited to participate-I love that!  Also, the Sister I work with is pretty much amazing.  She's one of those people that you can't help but want to be like.  And her baby girl is adorable, has the ward wrapped around her finger-or at least me.  I think she's one of the cutest babies I've ever seen.

As for school, if you didn't know-we're both taking 6 week summer classes.  They are the same course as you would get in a full semesters length, but crammed in really fast.  Benefits and Problems to this.  It means homework is due faster-it also means that it only takes 6 weeks, so instead of suffering through a whole semester of English, I only have to suffer through 6 weeks of it.  In addition to English I have Pharmacology which I am taking so that I can finish school by December.  Travis is in a Calculus III course, and Ethics 300 level course, and an English Technical Writing course.  Plus he has his regular 20 hr work week.  So the poor guy is busy busy!  I've also started my Externship at TVC, and am loving it.  I've completed 24 of my 80 front office hours, and in July I'll finish my 100 back office hours.

*Disclaimer* I have seen many people I know come into the clinic.  I just want you to know you have no fear.  HIPPA prohibits me from even mentioning to anyone that I saw you there, let alone why you were there.  Of course, if you want to tell my mom you saw me there (like one couple did) then thats another story. But I cannot bring it up unless you bring it up.  So don't get offended if I don't say "HEY!  How are you?  I saw you at the clinic!  Feeling better?"  That would be against the law.  Its not that I'm not concerned, I'm just bound by law not to say anything.  capeesh?  But if you want to tell me "I'm feeling much better" and ask me how the rest of my workday went, thats fine.  *Disclaimer over*

Anyways, thats the goings on up here at the Payton Place.  Whats everyone else been up to?