And we meet another year

Welcome to 2014!  I'm so excited!.

I've seen alot of people write on facebook one or two resolutions, with the comment that "normally" they don't like the whole idea of new years resolutions for some reason or other (along the lines of "I try to improve all the time" or "Nobody ever keeps them") and I'm here to say, I LOVE making resolutions.

First: Honestly, I'd like to say "I'm always trying to better myself" but lets be real.  I'm not that great.  I get lazy, I get distracted.  New years is a great time for me to re-evaluate where I am, and what direction I want to go.

Second: I don't make vauge resolutions, and I don't make unrealistic resolutions.  I make resulutions I know I have a fighting chance at acheiving.  Maybe one or two or a few a pretty ambitious, and maybe I don't acheive all of them, but making the goals to strive for is what helps me progress, even if I don't nessecarily get to check it off, I usually start the process.  And I feel better about my self for that.

Third: I write them down, and put them where I can see it.  The year I was most successful at this, I actually accomplished alot.  It went on a sticky note in my planner.  Now that I carry a phone rather than a planner, I've written them down on a white board in my kitchen. Right next to the whiteboard calendar that I'm keeping my menu plan on-this way I look over there frequently out of nessecity.

So what are my resulutions?

I'll put them here as well, so that I have a digital copy in case any childrens I watch decide to sabatoge my white board list.  So without further ado, here's how I plan to live this year:

I resolved to read my scriptures and say my prayers daily.  I've always always struggled with this.  I feel like this year, I have the right motivations to get it done-I love my Heavenly Father, and I am thankful for the great blessing I am welcoming into my life this year.  I want to be the best mother I can be, I know that I will need Heavenly Father's help, and the influence of his spirit as I embark on this adventure, more so than I have ever or ever will need it.  These two simple actions will make a world of difference.  I know the promised guidance will come if I do my part to show Heavenly Father I'm engaged.  (I also extended this resolution to the primary kids, and gave them a chart, you bet I'm going to hold myself accountable with that chart also)

I also want to become a freezer meal diva.  This involves meal planning, time management skills, budgeting, and saving money/time in the long run.  Things I know I desperately need more of.

I want to plant a garden-this was a desire last year as well, unfortunately come spring the condition of the garden patch I own was reveled to be much less desireable than I anticipated (rocks and sand and rediculounsness) So This year, I know what needs to happen, and I'm going to make raised beds.  Don't steal my supplies though, I saw a MILLION pallets behind the new alcohol store while driving to the bank, and I'm really really hoping they will be up to giving them away for my raised bed project.  Haven't decided yet If I'm going to start a compost to go with the garden or not.   It'd be a good idea-but like I said, maybe a bit too ambitious.  One step at a time.

I want to walk everyday.  I'm having a baby, and this is something I know I can do to stay active.  Also, the plan is to try to get Travis to walk everyday with me, even if it means for just a 5 min lap around the building he works in.  I think it will be good for both of us to drop what we're doing, take time to move, and enjoy eachothers company.  So far, I'm late on this one, but I'm justifying it with the 3 1/2 hr dance workshops I've been teaching.  So, Travis is the slacker here-haha.

I have others, and they're written on my board, but they're more housekeeping things.  These are the top 4.  

Happy New Year!

On failures and Triumphs

Oy. I havn't blogged in a while about anything meaningful cuz I guess for a while there I didn't feel like anything had any meaning. I sat explaining this the other night in an amazing, personal, relatable, hopefully inspiring "blog post" that dissapeared when I went to "post" due to a glitch in my system for signing in and out between my school google apps gmail account and into my personal gmail.com of which the blog is linked to. Anyways, basically, short story, I didn't blog much because I was pretty depressed. Poor Travis had to suffer with me.

You may now be wondering why or how I, Melanie the crazy happy go lucky optimist that I am fell into the bitterness. Simply, I lost hope, I lost optimism. I let discouragement get the best of me. You see, I don't think I've ever failed at something before. Wrong. I've failed at lots of stuff, but it hadn't ever been something BIG and IMPORTANT that I had been super excited about, like say-my first CAREER. You see, me and Orthopedics were not getting along. I kept trying to make it work, and it just wasn't. No matter what I did, tiny eensy weensy accomplishments were made, but nothing that could compensate with my continual failures at work. That wore on me hard. I felt like a failure there, and so tiny mistakes in any other area of life made me feel like a failure in those places too. And you know what had to happen? My manager had to tell me "I'm offering you the position in OBGYN or you may resign."

That may sound like a failure, but it was a releif. Funny huh? Failure in Ortho was a blessing and an answer to a prayer. I thought I had failed at being a medical assistant. Even as I said goodbye to one of my ortho co-workers, she said "maybe this isn't the field for you." I was considering going and finding some job to bide the time till the day that Travis got a job and insurance and I could stay home and make babies. I started wishing my situation was different, everything I had worked so hard for and looked forward to so much, was a burden. That is a dangerous puddle to play in. I couldn't count my blessings because I couldn't see them. I was in that vicious trap of "somedays." You know, the "someday when I'm _____ I can be happy." Or the terrible, "When this happens, I can be happy." The trouble with that is that you find that what you looked forward to so much won't be what you expected and you'll be unhappy till the next dissapointment. You know what though, I'm still a medical assistant, and though its not what I want to be for forever, it does make me happy. And in OBGYN I've learned more and done more in two days than I did in Ortho for two months! Take that! What a greater answer to a prayer than I could have asked for.

A week ago Thursday after one of the meetings with my Ortho manager (before she transferred me to another department) I was crying in a bathroom stall. As I was making up my mind to compose myself and return to work-just to grab my things because the day and my week was over-I knew I couldn't do it without some divine help. So, I said a prayer in desperation that my eyes would clear (they were pretty blood shot and swollen from crying) and my mind would be able to recall the things I needed in order to preform my job well. I kept making mistakes when I returned to work on Monday, but immediately my heart was at peace. I didn't know why cuz I still felt hopeless, but I knew deep inside it would be alright. I was calmer than I had been in a while. Monday I returned to work, my manager and I discussed with my co-workers the goals we had made for continuing my orientation, and I was set in for the long haul. Problems weren't solved, but I felt it would be alright. Tuesday began much the same, and I continued to strive for the goals and meet expectations and-yes, make mistakes. Thats when my manager informed me of the department change. I should have felt more like a failure, but I knew that this was the prayer answered.

While reveiwing all this in my mind, I think of, well, alot of things. And parts of them all come flooding into my mind. When my co-worker said to me "Maybe this isn't the field for you." I thought back to the priesthood blessing which told me not to "burden yourself with a career for the lord has greater things in store for you." Didn't really solve my problem though, its not okay to just sit and wait for "someday" like I clarified before. But, it also made me think long and hard about my gifts, what I can do now. And, what I can be learning from this trial-first, I think of that wonderful primary song we sang for this years program, the one that goes

"My life is a gift, my life has a plan,

my life has a purpose in heav'n it began

My choice was to come to this lovely home on earth,

and seek for Gods light to direct me from Birth

I will follow God's plan for me

holding fast to his word and his love

I will work, and I will pray

I will always walk in his way,

Then I will be happy on earth and

In my home above"

The first part, about my purpose and plan-I know that God has greater things in store for me, but I also know that in the meantime I am to pursue things and prepare myself for the future, to get an education-and to be prepared to be the provider for a family. I was also blessed in that blessing to enjoy my time and life, and to have confidence and make friends at work. Those blessings are now being fulfilled. Does that negate the blessings in store for me? Does that mean I am not fulfilling the measure of my creation? No. I'm growing-so that someday when my future children face failures, and struggles, I can empathize with them, I can help them.

The next thing that came to my mind was the beautiful quote by Wayne Dyer-

"I will grow. I will become something new and grand, but no grander than I now am.

Just as the sky will be different in a few hours,

its present perfection and completeness

is not deficient,

so am I presently perfect and not deficient

because I will be different tomorrow. "

I know that prayers are answered. It may seem funny that all this came down to me struggling in ortho, but I feel like there was a lesson there meant just for me. I think Heavenly Father allows us to go through struggles like that so we can be humbled, so we can learn to rely on him, and receive his help.

Happiness in Trials

"I'm not happy and I havn't been for a long time"

"I know how to repent, but this time, I didn't do anything wrong."

My friend said this to me the other day-she has got an unimaginably painful trial going on right now.

I've been in that dark place before.

And then I found my way out.

A priesthood blessing started the change for me. In it, Heavenly Father told me that "these trials come for one of two reasons. Either by transgression, or as an oppourtunity for growth."

With that insight, and knowing that I had not transgressed, a bit of the burden lifted. And I looked heavenward. What was I to learn from this? I looked in the scriptures. I searched the words of the prophets (we had a topical quote book-full of remarks from the prophets and apostles). I started filling my world with their comforting words. The burdens and sorrow I felt were not gone, but they were bearable. My own cross to bear.

Eventually, I had the epiphany that turned it all around.

Marla Lowder was speaking in church-and she read Alma 5: 26-27. After which, she asked a question. This question perplexed me more than the scripture so much, but what she asked was;

"Are we Humble enough to forgive our tresspassers?"

I thought about it alot in the following days and week. I prayed about it. And finally, after considering it for some time, I realized this:

Not forgiving the injustices which faced me would be like telling my savior that his atonement wasn't good enough.

Consider this, Christ paid the price already.

In the garden, he suffered the hurt I was feeling.

He knew what it was to be blameless and yet he took the blame.

He knew what it was like to suffer even though he didn't do anything wrong.

For me to continue in my grief and feelings of sorrow was too say to the Savior,

"You don't know what I'm going through.

Your sacrifice doesn't make up for what I've been through."

How prideful was I?

Though it took some time to completely let go of the hurt and anger and greif I was feeling,

My life was instantly lighter.

My trials were still there, but I knew I was not alone.

I could let go of the lonliness I felt.

I didn't have to be the martyr.

I have very poignant feelings and understanding now of the scripture found in Matthew 11: 28-30: where the savior says:

"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

Take my yolk upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly of heart:

and ye shall find rest unto your souls.

For my Yolk is easy, and my burden is light."

His yolk really is easy. His burden really is light. All it took was for me to understand my place and the role of the savior in my life. Even though I had done nothing wrong, I had a change of heart. A new resolve and understanding of life. Trials come and trials go. As Sue Hull always says,

"Life is hard and then you die."

What will I do with my time here on earth becomes the daily battle. If "Men are that they might have joy" don't you think God would want me to make the most of the trials that come my way? How do I do that? "Come what may and Love it" is a start.

I also try to follow the counsel of Gordon B Hinckley when he said,

"Cultivate an attitude of Happiness.

Cultivate a spirit of optimism.

Walk with faith,

rejoicing in the beauty of nature,

in the goodness of those you love,

in the testimony which you carry in your heart concerning things divine."

Sure does help.

Memorial Day

Today, May 31st is my memorial day. I remember my Father today and everyday-but 13 years ago, on May 31, 1998 (that year the date was also the Memorial Day Holiday) he passed through the veil.

Somethings I have learned in that time:

Families are Forever

Life does not end at Death

Tell people how much I love them-for I'll never get to say it enough

Jesus Christ knows my pain perfectly.

Its okay to be sad

Its okay to be Happy

Forgetting small details does not mean I have forgotten what is important

I can't compare the present with the past

Heavenly Father has a purpose and a plan for me.

"What if" is a terrible idea to dwell on.

Pity parties don't help anything get better. Allow myself to get it out, cry for ten minutes then I must let it go.

People won't know what I am going through. That doesn't mean they can't love me or help me.

They don't have to understand, they don't have to care, but I have to try to understand and I have to care.

Even when the world seems dark, and lonely, I can be happy and I am never alone.

Look for the tender mercies, they are everywhere, recognize them for what they are worth.

Just because I've been through some trials, doesn't mean I understand the burdens of everyone else. I have to have a little more tenderness and respect for their pain.

Laughter and Forgiveness. That is the best medicine. Forgiveness to others, and forgiveness to myself.

Have joy is simple blessings.

Trust God. Trust myself. Trust my family. Trust the Holy Ghost.

Endure faithfully. There is a purpose, there is a plan, there is meaning. I may not know the purposes now, but in time all will be revealed, and it will be for my good.

Yesterday, on the real memorial Day holiday, Then Jensen-Johnson-Payton gang went to Chena Lakes for a picnic. Travis' dad let us borrow their canoe, which was a hit of the party. While Travis and I waited for everyone else to show up, we boated around the lake for a couple of hours. While we were in the boat I thought of how appropriate it was-as my Father had LOVED to take us boating.

When my Sisters and I were little and we would float down the Chena, our boat was a dangerous place as we excitedly went side to side to look into the water. My dad used some PVC pipes like these to build us an outrigger like this so our boat didn't capsize in the river. I always think of that when I go canoeing.

The other story of canoeing with my dad that I remember is the mothers day just before his accident. My aunt Renee and Cousin David were staying with us for the summer, and instead of putting siding on the house like my mom wanted him to do, he took me, Renee and David to the river boat launch, and sent us on our way. Someone had to pick us up, so he drove his old beater truck along the river meeting us at different points to wave and check in from the bank. Just as we were going past the carlson center, I remember him tossing rocks at us. Then as we got to the that foot bridge right before Alaska Land, he ran across to the center of the bridge which the biggest Rock he could find, and shouted, "Lets play Bomb the canoe!" And dropped the rock bomb down. From my eight year old perspective in the middle of the boat, it looked like he just missed by inches. I think his goal was to splash us, not sink us, and he did so effectively.

Institute

So, yesterday was institute and seminary graduation.  I'm not an institute "graduate" yet, but I did get a certificate of acheivement.  Which was pretty cool.  I'll shamelessly admit that I like recognition.  I thrive on it.  Now I must shamefully admit that yesterday although we celebrated instutute graduation, we also missed church.  Ha.  Oops.  So, when we woke up and got moving, we sat down, and I pulled out the old institute manual titled "The Gospel and the Productive Life" and I let Travis pick a lesson, he picked Goal Setting.

We read the first part of the lesson and that talked about all the easy stuff, like long term, short term, realistic goals, goals to help you acheive goals and yadda yadda, at which point we talked about our trouble getting up for early morning church after a week of no early morning stuff.  And so the first Goal we made is to make it to church at least 10 mins early.  In order to acheive that we also set the goal of going to bed by 11:30 on Saturday nights.  After that Travis was pretty much done-but I kept reading.  And while reading and after the instutute graduation I can't help but to ponder on the fullness of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  How complete it is.  It doesn't just tell you "change, become better, do good" It outlines clearly how to change, how to help yourself become better.  How to fix your mistakes, and how to be happy and true to yourself by being true first to God.

The first talk at Institute Graduation was about enduring to the end.   I know that my Savior lives, and that he loves me, and that he has provided a way for me to be happy.  It is through his atonement that I find comfort when I am faced with the afflictions of mortality.  It is by obedience to the Gospel of Jesus Christ that I align my will with true principals, principals of faith, success, happiness, righteousness, self reliance, productivity, forgiveness, and love.  By so aligning my will with Gods will, and living in accordance with principals of truth, I become the best Melanie I can be, and in that I have joy.  And as I try to become the best Melanie I can be by following the commandments and guidance of my Father in Heaven, he makes more of me than what my best efforts could produce.

I've been kinda slacking in a lot of areas, I was telling Travis yesterday how after I graduated from Young Womens and started attending Relief Society, I was impressed with how much we need those programs.  Its like in Youngwomens its this upward climb of goal after goal after goal, and though theres no goal program in Relief society, theres oppourtunities to serve, and learn, which help us to continue climbing up.  If we stop climbing, we plateau, and if we plateau very long, we start going back down the hill.  I've been plateauing lately, its like, I just attended the temple and made the covenantes of eternal salvation-so I'm good right?  Wrong.  I need now more than ever to put my best foot forward and I need to keep climbing.  I have SO much work to do, SO much more responsibility to my covenants.  Of whom much is given much is required.

Again, I'm thankful for institute and all the programs of the church, and for the inspired guidance of friends and leaders, and for the blessings that come from making and keeping covenants, the gift of the Holy Ghost who communicates to me what I should be doing  to be better and happier.  And with this, I say farewell, I'm off to make and acheive some goals, off to change and improve!  till next time, Melanie