Again?

Yes again, sorry.  Some women make videos documenting their thoughts and feelings, I write it on my blog whenever I feel so inclined, and as I'm dealing with it, writing it out helps, the things I'm learning I don't want to forget, because I know that God gives us these trials for our good, that we might have experience, empathy, and learn something about our Savior in the process.

I've found that every cycle brings fresh hurt.  Even when I knew this cycle wouldn't be the lucky cycle (timing timing timing) I thought I was being all prepared because I was in control, and I can't hurt if I didn't even try right?  Wrong.  I thought delibriately missing the right timing would give my heart a reprieve so that this next month I'd be ready, mentally and emotionally recharged because of a month break in efforts right?  Wrong.  I tried to be all intellectual, tried to do some research, and that set off more tears than I expected.

I found myself thinking I wanted it all to be by the doctors orders-and that I didn't want him to tell me anything but do 1-2-3 and then I do 1 2 3 and he says "Congratulations!"  I think this train of thought came from the fear of the prognosis of the fruits of my research.  I have a symptom I started noticing, and its very mild, and the research says how different presentations of the symptoms don't really change the diagnosis.....and it just kinda broke my heart.  I don't want any of this.  I admit I'm a bit in denial, I'm not going to tell the Dr about this possible symptoms until after I have results from the test he's ordered now-I can only do this one thing at a time.

Feelings of inadequacy creep in, along with fear of the immediate unknowns, and then the long term unknowns.  Will I have trouble conceiving every child I desire?  Will I have to wait 13 years like so and so's parents?  Am I supposed to be adopting someone?  Is there something I'm missing?

In the temple this weekend, no answers came, except comfort.  When I was so busy worrying this week, I remembered back to those feelings from the temple.  I wasn't worried.  I was a bit preoccupied with the situation I find myself in, but the worry stopped while I was there.  And it continued through the whole ride home, along with added feelings of peace, and joy, a joy I've not felt in a while.  Thats what I was talking about in that last post, the one about tender mercies.  

Anyways, like I said, I do firmly believe that God is in control, and that in the process I'm to learn something of my savior, perhaps today, what I've learned about my savior, is I've come to a greater understanding of his role as the prince of peace.  For in his atonement, we find healing.  Not just when we do something wrong, but also just when we don't understand why, why we must face the challenges we face, why we are subjected to the trials of this existence....he in his perfection and purity suffered the agony of justice-so that in this unjust world we can have peace.

A time for everyting

A time to cry.....

Last night, and into today, I've been really bummed.

My unwelcome monthly visitor came Monday.   I even knew that she would be coming this month.  Thats part of what scares me, but, I've learned every now and then for the sake of my sanity, I have to eliminate the guesswork, even if it means a certain no on the big test.  I'm learning not to spend my money on those too.....  Anyways, knowing the answer gives my heart a bit of a reprieve so that this next cycle, I have the energy to hope again.

I tried to sit down and do some research, the doctor when I met with him had a student and the student asked about a symptom that I didn't ever notice before, and now I do because I know to look for it.  Maybe its coincidence and I notice only because he said something and I'm seeing patterns that don't exist, maybe I really do have a symptom that sparks a red flag, idk.  I'm at the point where the research freaks me out.  I don't wanna know.  I just want the doctor to say have this test, do this, and voila! Congratulations!

Happy Birthday Manda!

Well, Since I did it for Elyse and Liam, thought I would keep the sibling love abounding.  My panda pants is celebrating her birthday tomorrow (if not actually doing anything tomorrow, she's celebrating in her heart, because you know, its her birthday she gets to feel special)

Let me tell you about my eldest sister.

She's pretty awesome.
Enjoy the pictures.
Goodnight.  :)

hehe!  You that that that was all I was gonna say!  Fooled you!

Amanda and I were not particularly close growing up, she put up with alot of obnoxiousness from me, I put up with alot of irritation type attitude coming from her....

but, 

when I have needed her she has been there.  

When I was in crisis from some life events when I was 13, she got me out of the immediate bad situation and always lent an ear as I worked through it.

When I have had trouble processesing life

She has at most been only a phone call away

Amanda always seems to have the right thing to say.  

Without sharing but on occasion, she gets me.  

Amanda has always been part of the big events that matter

And cheered me on through the small ones don't 

(hint, thanks Amanda for caring, because the small ones do matter!)

I admire her hard work

her passion for the things she loves

her way with people

her persistence and faith through hardships

She is a talented musician,

a wonderful mother

a devoted wife

and my big sister.

Happy Birthday!

Tender Mercies

Beautiful sunny spring days
    Following long dark winters

Majestic mountain views unadulterated by clouds
      on an otherwise plain dead winter forest drive
                   where the snow has already melted from the trees.

Though we had to drive at night
           -the midnight sun has not yet found its way back home-
Northern lights danced in the sky,
    while stars gleamed and the moon beamed

No voice whispered in my ear
Nor fire burned within my breast

But peace
           Happiness
                      gratitude

Heavenly Father knows me.
     He knows what I love
           He knows what I hope
                   He knows what I ask,
without having to uttter a word.

Photo by Sharon Freeman

Photo by Sharon Freeman

Photo by Sharon Freeman

Beatboxing

I'm thinking Liam with all his sound effects/mouth noises is on his way to being a rich weathly youtube beatboxer who helps groups like this make money.

All Dogs go to Heaven

Today we put down Kato, my mother in laws dog.  I don't consider myself a "dog person," allergic asthma has kinda always kept me from getting very emotionally involved in dogs especially, but Kato was a beautiful and gentle companion.  I have never known such a well behaved and happy and calm dog.  Granted, I only knew her for the later half of her life, but she was a gentle, sweet, loving companion, eager to please, and happy just to see you.  Today when we made it to North Pole, there was Kato to greet us, limping through the pain with a doggie grin on her face even though her tail was between her knees.  She has been hurting since last summer, and this winter we got the diagnosis of Bone Cancer.

When it came time she went very very peacefully.  The vet came to my mother in laws home, and walked us through everything, warning that there might be some movement and reflex breathing after Kato was already gone, but none of that happened.  We petted her and spoke loving words while the vet gave the tranquilizer, then we loved on her some more while that medication took effect and Kato got really sleepy and relaxed, then we kept telling her what a good girl she was while the vet gave her the overdose of medication that let her go.  Like I said, Eager to please, Kato just slipped away, no last gasps.  Very peacefully and agreeably.

It was interesting-it felt obvious when she slipped away.  There was life one moment while I was rubbing her ear, then I moved my hand away for a second, and when I reached back instictively to pet her and comfort her, it was just a hollow body.

Some of the scouts from my Mother in laws ward at church came to help with preparing for and assisiting with burying Kato, and before they covered her back up, my mother in law had a brother say a prayer, and it was surprising to me how much emotion I felt, and how comforting that prayer was.

It makes me happy that Kato is no longer in pain.  And that the next time I see her, I won't be allergic--so I'll burry my face in her fluffy neck and hug her tight.  Even now writing this, my emotions are getting to me, and that comes as a surprise.  But this song helps me feel better:

Each life that touches ours for good
Reflects thine own great mercy, Lord;
Thou sendest blessings from above
Thru words and deeds of those who love.
What greater gift dost thou bestow,
What greater goodness can we know
Than Christlike friends, whose gentle ways
Strengthen our faith, enrich our days.
When such a friend from us departs,
We hold forever in our hearts
A sweet and hallowed memory,
Bringing us nearer, Lord, to thee.
For worthy friends whose lives proclaim
Devotion to the Savior’s name,
Who bless our days with peace and love,
We praise thy goodness, Lord, above.