More thoughts on being barren.

Today was a bit rough.

Last week I went to the Dr to talk about why I'm not getting pregnant.   That was the start of it.

Then today at church the high council speaker spoke of women and their divine nurturing attributes and their role as creators.  And I forget exactly what he said, but I remember feeling broken and excluded.  His message wasn't dwelling on that, and what he said wasn't meant to be insensitive, nor was it, but my own feelings of sadness, pain, confusion, and fear interpreted it that way.  It caught me by surprise--I had heard of women who suffering from infertility dislike when people speak that way, but I never thought I would feel those feelings or think those thoughts, because "I have so much faith, so much hope."  Every woman who thinks those thoughts, feels those feelings holds onto so much hope.  Its not lack of faith that they are suffering from.  It is infertility.    So people who tell us "just have faith" "it will happen"  "I'm sure it will be okay" thank you for your kind words, but, trust me, I know it will be okay.  I have to have faith assuming that it will be okay, even if my cards are different that Heavenly Fathers.  I have to be okay not with just my hope and my faith, or be okay with waiting, but I have to be okay with my situation now, as it is.  And that is what is hard.

The other thing that was hard today, was everyone assuming that I'm pregnant because I keep losing things.  Just because I'm a married, childless female of child bearing age, does not mean that my bad month is to blame of pregnancy.  I'm a person as I am now, with or without my reproductive capabilities.  I should be allowed a forgetful month of misplacing and loosing everything.  Why do I have to be "pregnant" for it to make sense that I can't keep track of anything.  Thats a blow to pregnant ladies also.  

One other challenge, I faced today, is the ever present expressions on Facebook  blogger, instagram, ect, of joy in mother hood.  When I see "I love being a mommy" or "Being a mommy is the greatest blessing and joy," my heart yearns for that experience.  With the turn in feelings, the up and down days, I apologize in advance if I ever seem pained at your expressions of joy in motherhood.  I just ask that you please forgive me.  I'm not upset with you, I'm upset with myself, and I will have to work that out.  Just love me.  Keep sharing the pictures, I love them, I love your children, and I love that you get to enjoy that experience.  Some days, I'm just going to wish you would keep it to yourself, for that, forgive me.