Again?

Yes again, sorry.  Some women make videos documenting their thoughts and feelings, I write it on my blog whenever I feel so inclined, and as I'm dealing with it, writing it out helps, the things I'm learning I don't want to forget, because I know that God gives us these trials for our good, that we might have experience, empathy, and learn something about our Savior in the process.

I've found that every cycle brings fresh hurt.  Even when I knew this cycle wouldn't be the lucky cycle (timing timing timing) I thought I was being all prepared because I was in control, and I can't hurt if I didn't even try right?  Wrong.  I thought delibriately missing the right timing would give my heart a reprieve so that this next month I'd be ready, mentally and emotionally recharged because of a month break in efforts right?  Wrong.  I tried to be all intellectual, tried to do some research, and that set off more tears than I expected.

I found myself thinking I wanted it all to be by the doctors orders-and that I didn't want him to tell me anything but do 1-2-3 and then I do 1 2 3 and he says "Congratulations!"  I think this train of thought came from the fear of the prognosis of the fruits of my research.  I have a symptom I started noticing, and its very mild, and the research says how different presentations of the symptoms don't really change the diagnosis.....and it just kinda broke my heart.  I don't want any of this.  I admit I'm a bit in denial, I'm not going to tell the Dr about this possible symptoms until after I have results from the test he's ordered now-I can only do this one thing at a time.

Feelings of inadequacy creep in, along with fear of the immediate unknowns, and then the long term unknowns.  Will I have trouble conceiving every child I desire?  Will I have to wait 13 years like so and so's parents?  Am I supposed to be adopting someone?  Is there something I'm missing?

In the temple this weekend, no answers came, except comfort.  When I was so busy worrying this week, I remembered back to those feelings from the temple.  I wasn't worried.  I was a bit preoccupied with the situation I find myself in, but the worry stopped while I was there.  And it continued through the whole ride home, along with added feelings of peace, and joy, a joy I've not felt in a while.  Thats what I was talking about in that last post, the one about tender mercies.  

Anyways, like I said, I do firmly believe that God is in control, and that in the process I'm to learn something of my savior, perhaps today, what I've learned about my savior, is I've come to a greater understanding of his role as the prince of peace.  For in his atonement, we find healing.  Not just when we do something wrong, but also just when we don't understand why, why we must face the challenges we face, why we are subjected to the trials of this existence....he in his perfection and purity suffered the agony of justice-so that in this unjust world we can have peace.